He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
What a dumb baby whore.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
