I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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