I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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