Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
