____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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