the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
