I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
