if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
