I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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