I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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