all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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