my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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