if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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