Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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