Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I have tasted many bathrooms
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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