Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize