every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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