As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
