your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
