yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
