Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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