I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize