How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
