All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Vodka?
Forever.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
