I met the friendliest cop last night
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
