My sheets look like a crime scene.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
