I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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