Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
