Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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