I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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