How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
