Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
