Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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