wake up i wanna do it froggy style
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
and you fell through a lawn chair
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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