I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
