The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
ttyl tear gas
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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