So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
