i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
