awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
