My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize