We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
