So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
