how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
