take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just found a bag of teeth...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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