why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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