I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
