yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Sober January is a disaster.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize