Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
