but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
