I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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