I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He better not be in your backpack
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
