Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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