the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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