just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I want a musical about memes.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
