apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I met the friendliest cop last night
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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