I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Randomize
