just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
