Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
