saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
