I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
