Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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