Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
