She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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