you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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