She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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